I just returned from the bank. There are certain tasks that feel like grown-up tasks, and this was definitely one of them. I was organizing my account for my move to the United States, and since I will still be receiving payments for my work in Euros, I had to do a bunch of grown-up talking with a banker about money... what a joke! I also had to talk about insurance in Italian, as if that isn't hard enough in English.
As I was driving home I mused over my bizarre feeling that I'm just faking my way through this grown-up thing. I feel like that ALOT! I feel like that as I take my children to school, pay bills, work, send out invoices, book airline tickets, try on clothes, go shopping, just about everything. Even though as of last week it's time to take that "almost forty" blurb out of my profile (I haven't done that because I have no idea what to put there yet. The choices are slim and depressing... forty year old NO!! middle aged OH MY GOD NO!! far from fifty I FEEL SICK!!), I literally never feel like a grown-up. I'm in a perpetual state of faking it.
You would think that my ripening age, 14 year marriage and two children would somehow have elevated me to grown-up status. I have very vivid memories of my mother when she was my age, and she was definitely a grown-up! She had her shit together! She had a grown-up job, a big grown-up house and even a grown-up divorce. She wore make-up (um... still haven't figured that out yet), high heels (no way in hell can I walk in those things), and knew everything there was to know about everything (well, OK, even she says this isn't quite true). She had a PLAN. Or at least that's how it seemed. If she actually ever read my above statements, she would surely get a laugh. Right around 45 is when she had breast cancer, which totally changed her life. She went on to give up her prosperous real estate business and return to school, eventually attaining a phd and becoming (are you ready for this?) a sex therapist. So much for having a PLAN.
And then there's me. I know this is going to sound lame, but when I go to the US, I still get a little thrill buying beer without getting carded!
I look at many of my contemporaries, and think to myself how they seem so much more prepared for making their way through this thing that is life. They look like they really know how to plan for retirement, climb the corporate ladder, eat a balanced diet and excercise regularly. I look back on some of the biggest decisions I've made thus far in my life, and I must admit that I had no idea what the hell I was doing.
My husband, or maybe me, I don't remember: "Sposiamoci?" translation- let's get married
Me: "I think I'm pregnant."
My husband: "Um... OK."
Me: "I think I'm pregnant again."
My husband: "Holy shit. Um... che bello!"
Me: "I really love it here- let's move."
My husband: "Holy mother of god have mercy on me. Me, too... OK."
Do you remember when you were in high school, and a 25 year old was really old? And in college when a 35 year old was defnitiely middle aged? I guess I feel unable to feel my age mostly because a lot of people my age (I'm not referring to you, OK?) seem OLD and STUFFY with STICKS UP THEIR ASSES!
Or I am just jealous?
Is that impression just my own insecurity about my eternal sense that I am faking through the grown-up stuff?