The sky through my windows
The sky where I live now is a 360 degree spectacle, and envelops and overshadows every single other piece of life. The sky was what I missed the most when I left New Mexico for Italy so many years ago. In my travels around the globe I have never seen a sky like that in the American West. It is a living thing that keeps you in your place. Keeps you humble, gladfully small, and unable to stifle a sense of wonder even in the midst of daily life. When you look up, you see a metaphor for life itself, for its unpredictability and beauty, its ruthlessness and magic.
Lately my life feels like those two windows above, like two distinctly framed pages. The first image seems all on its own, as if the second image has no connection to it, as if it is not really a continuation of that same sky. I stop in my tracks and think, I should be feeling something. Something else. Nostalgia? Unsettledness? Fear? Leaving my life of fifteen years cold turkey surely should produce some kind of effect in me, some ruffling of my feathers. But in truth, I am calm. I am strangely peaceful, even with all that my family has been through in the past weeks. I feel as if I have lived here all my life, as if I am home.
Today I spoke with my brother and sister-in-law in Italy via Skype. There they were, sitting in the home office that I knew so well from their home. I could see my own former office chair in the background, the same chair that I sat in so many hours a day for the last few years as I worked, and the little sting of missing that fine ergonomic chair as I now sit in a different, less comfortable chair never came. The thought of my house in Italy, with its many nooks and crannies, and the tiles I chose myself for the bathrooms and the curtains I hade made for the many strange shaped windows comes into my mind only if I invite it in, and then I find it to be quite boring company. I find myself poking around in my own mind, in my own memories, for something that will awaken the big bang that I think I should be feeling after making such a change to no avail.
When I called my sister-in-law today, she greeted me with the usual ciao Jenny! and for a moment I did not know who she was, this Jenny. Was she really me? The same me who finally feels so firmly planted onto the earth under that overwhlming spectacle? The same me who feels the color of a blue sky?