Thursday, July 5, 2007

I don't know how this happened to me

My parents got divorced when I was about 11, I think, though I'm not sure.

I know that I was old enough to understand what was happening, and that I tried to hide it from my classmates at the time. As I look back, that was pretty silly, since I'm quite certain now that half of the kids I knew had divorced parents. And I know that I wasn't yet an acting out teenager, since I don't remember any impassioned brattiness over the whole thing, so 11 is probably about right.

I did not suffer from this divorce any more than the suffering that is part of living. I don't think it made me special or scarred in any way that is different from the scars we all carry. But it did contribute to making me independent. Any of you who have read this blog for a while may have a little snicker at that, and I wouldn't blame you.

Jennifer, independent? But she's the one who is bellyaching for her husband after only 5 days apart!

And you know what? You would be right.

I don't know how this happened to me.

Before I met MacGyver, I just assumed that I wouldn't get married, wouldn't ever find anyone who could be with me. I had spent my life feeling alone, watching the world go by in couples holding hands and smooching. While through my adolescent years I spent many nights crying over my apparent unapproachableness, in my twenties I now know that I began to cultivate it, and to build a castle dedicated to me, and me alone. I think being an artist is akin to having a neverending conversation that no one else can really hear. It's a beautiful and ecstatic conversation, and the fact that no one else hears you makes you naturally isolated, and even just a tad bit arrogant. You just know that all those other poor normal people are missing out!

Feeling different was part of that castle I was building, and the more fortified the castle, the more I began to beleive I would be one of those heroines who never marries. I would have a life of lovers that would come and go, and children from different fathers, probably girls, who I would raise to be just like me.

And then there's now. Something in the stars, in the fates, destiny, karma, or some other mysterious force propelled me towards meeting my husband. I feel lucky every single day, even when I'm pissed at him over something. I live in a house full of men, right down to the dog, and I love it. I grew up thinking that happy families (meaning those without divorce) probably didn't exist, or if they did they were definitely a club that didn't allow strange birds like me.

I was wrong.


anno said...

This is beautiful. So glad MacGyver is here, and you are together again.

I love that picture in your post -- Chagall?

Cate said...

I, on the other hand, had a plan. If I wasn't going to get married, then I would become a nun because I couldn't for the life of me think of anything a single woman would do. Yes, I was VERY sheltered. Now, I do believe that if I tried entering a monastary, a nun would come rushing toward me throwing a gallon of Holy water on me. I can only hope.

sognatrice said...

I *so* identify with this. My parents were divorced when I was very young (3ish), and I've always been independent, free-thinking, unlike most of those around me in my small but lovable (and sometimes stifling) hometown. And then as all my girlfriends were off in couples, getting married and whatnot, I was in school or traveling, etc. Never did I imagine I'd end up with someone--let alone at an early enough age to actually have reproduce with him!

I kid you not, I told my grandmother when she was still alive (and I was about 20) that I would definitely consider artificial insemination if I wanted children but hadn't found anyone. Poor lady nearly fell off her chair, but I'm sure she's happy now that I've found someone ;)

Great post, and complimenti for your wonderful family!

Carol said...

What a beautiful post and tribute. You know, your family is as lucky to have you in their lives as you are to have them.


Rebecca said...

I always thought I'd have girls too...probably because I grew up in a family of three girls. Boys always seemed somehow very...alien.

But I'm surrounded by males and loving it too...(tho I can still find them quite alien at times)

Sounds like you have a very happy family.

Pinks and Blues said...

What a great blog... I hope you have your husband read it. I believe in fate and destiny and that life has a plan for you... it is so refreshing to read a beautiful blog about people in love!!
- Audrey
Pinks & Blues Girls

Brillig said...

I too believe in the orchestration of events--a force much stronger than us, pulling us together. Beautiful post, Jennifer! And I'm so glad that he's there now!

jennifer said...

Yes, that's Chagall again. No one paints about love better.
Thanks to all for your comments. Sometimes I feel mushy as I write lately, but then I realize I really do feel mushy...
Welcome pinks and blues!

Jennifer said...

I can't get wait to get to that place again with my own family. It is wonderful, isn't it?

Kataroma said...

Jennifer - I feel exactly the same way. Meeting Mr Right (he needs a cooler name like McGyver) was just so random and unexpected -day 1 of my solo trip to Europe - I ended up spending all of my vacation in Rome. And everyone back home thought I was completely insane giving up my job and moving to Italy - but I just kind of knew - cheezy as that is.

My parents are divorced too and I get so much negativity about marriage from them. It's hard to get past all that and just trust someone else.

Jenn in Holland said...

I am again last to say something here, and I am still only a little bitter about that fact. But I just wanted to weigh in with another round of applause for another wonderful post.
I am so glad I found you Jennifer, and I am also so glad that MacGyver is back.

Gorgeous words here.

Fourier Analyst said...

Hi Jennifer! I've been lurking here a while and finally have time to catch up on some blog-reading! There are times when I read you blog that I truly believe in the sci-fi concept of "parallel lives" where another person is living the life you would have lead, if only one or a few things had been different. My friend Jenn-in-Holland and I do this all the time. There are a number of your blogs that make me feel this way, and especially this one. Congratulations! Despite making it sound easy, I know how hard it can be at times. But it is truly wonderful when it works isn't it!