Wednesday, July 18, 2007

If the spider says so

Do you ever wonder what your essence says to others? If you were a Rorschach inkblot, what would others see in you? What shape would you be?

See those Google adsense blurbs over there on the left? I put those in my blog when I added the third column. I did it a bit out of curiosity, a bit for fun, and a bit for the idea of earning something through the toils of blogging. The earning part has resulted in about 50 cents. The curiosity part was short lived. But the fun part is endless! Google crawls (imagine a gross, hairy spider) your site and displays the ads that in its infinite wisdom are considered to be applicable to your audience.

OK, I thought. Maybe they'll post ads about languages and translating (I am a bilingual translator after all). Or maybe about Italy, or Colorado (my former and present homes, about which I write regularly). Or painting, museums, even art supplies (I am, after all, ever so humbly a painter). Or parenting and marriage (even though I may not be a bona fide Mommy Blogger, I'm still a mom and wife, about which I also write regularly). Or perfume! (My one and only senseless vice). And since you, right now, are my audience, I think you should know what Google thinks about you, and consequently, me and my writing.

One of the first ads to appear here went something like Find Ukranian Wives! What the hell was that about? Not only am I most definitely not a poor Ukranian girl looking to be a mail order bride, neither are you looking for one... or are you? I wonder where the spider found that link? Because I married a foreigner? Because I have blond hair? Because you're desperate?

Then there was Find a Texas Lawyer. I thought this one was pretty creepy, because I personally know some Texas lawyers, and I don't think you would want to know these people. No offense, but lawyers are definitely not what I think my readers need, and I come from a family full of lawyers. But that spider sure seems to think so.

This naturally brings us to Arrest Warrants Search! Just who have I been hanging out with here anyway? Is this the spider's way of telling me to find new friends? Or maybe you're the one hanging in bad company...

And how about Become a Bodyguard! They wouldn't be referring to little ole me? This one is surely aimed at you and your beefy neck!

And one of my favorites, What's Your Boyfriend Doing Right Now? Now I may be melodramatic and I my freak out in the supermarket, but I most definitely am not the paranoid, jealous type! Google just thinks you are!

The only ad I was tempted to click on myself (I'm not supposed to click on my own ads, so I don't. Wouldn't want to piss off that big spider!) was Prepare to be Shocked! You may be younger than you think! How I would love to click on that one and find out that I'm not really forty! That ad would show a photograph of my beautiful grandmother, who whenever I asked her how old she was would answer, "39 and holding."

Today's entry as I posted was Medical Alarm! Plug in and go! So basically, they're saying you're not as old as you think you are, and then the next day, they're selling you one of those alarms you hang around your neck for when you keel over trying to get into the bathtub!

Finally, Save Your Marriage Now! This one bummed me out. Are you having marital problems?

P.S. I thought it was time to lighten up around here!


Carol said...

Ha! And THAT is why I don't have any ads! Can you imagine what my childbirth and hot flash posts would conjure up from Google?!


Fourier Analyst said...

My "ink blot" I suspect would be very fractal in nature, with lots of curves, feathers, and rays going in all different direction. Probably would look something like the impression of a cotton ball dipped in ink!

sognatrice said...

Right now there's an ad for "Personal Safety Products."

Looks like I'm a hazard to myself.

Google *does* know me! Creepy.

anno said...

It's been hard enough for me to post occasionally, that I haven't gotten around to figuring out Adsense. I like reading those on other people's sites, though. Today, you have one featuring "The Bully Whisperer" which is awfully tempting...

I like the "ink blot" -- for some reason, it's making me think of a mermaid's tail.

Jenn in Holland said...

Excellent lightening up post Jennifer! That was just delightful. I am not sure what the spiders think I want, but so far none of those things really apply. Or do they? Okay, you caught me. I really, really, really want a Ukranian wife!

Jen said...

This is too funny! I also wonder why so many of my spam e-mails want me to enlarge my penis. Particularly with an email like "jenshaines" or do they think it's Jens?

Maybe you could marry off one of the Ukrainian brides to one of the Texas lawyers?

jennifer said...

The latest entry once again made me want to click... DO YOU WANT TO LOSE BELLY FAT?

Rebecca said...

bizzaro ads - clearly your blog is hard to pigeonhole.

I LOVE that picture. Is that one of yours?????

Brillig said...

HAHAHA! Well, today your ads are offering me pepper spray, and one is asking me if I'm Johnny Depp. Shoot. Well, I guess the secret's out. I AM Johnny Depp, I just hadn't wanted to tell you all. Clever, clever little google spiders...