Sunday, August 19, 2007

I can only wonder

I've written about this before. This theme surely crept in here, but I don't know if I managed to do it justice. If life is a series of recurring themes, I have this one underlying much of what I do and much of what I feel... a constant companion that doesn't have a name, that pricks me and pesters me. That on days like today can make me what to yell or cry.

I need to be alone. I know that sounds so Garbo, but it's so true. And this need of mine to be in my own head, to gaze at my own thoughts, to revel in nothing, makes me feel odd and guilty. Odd because the image I see of everyone else around me is alien. I often feel inept at this business of life... being a mother, wife, friend, daughter. Guilty because I often feel unable to be what those around me are so easily able to be for me.

Do other mothers really get as overwhelmed and tired of their beautiful children as I do? Probably. At least I hope so.

Do other wives neglect their adoring husbands as I do? Forgetting to make dinner? Wishing for an evening alone in front of the television? I think so... I hope so...

Do other friends sometimes find the business of friendship tiresome and impossible do organize? Do they take forever to return e-mails and phone calls? Do they forget birthdays? Of course they do... right?

So what's this feeling I have? This feeling that my innermost urge to be alone is wrong? Is abnormal? Is just a bit aberrant?

I'm not sure. Maybe I am the ultimate narcissist, madly in love with my own company. So much so that no one else can come close. Maybe I am one of those self-absorbed artists, sadly lacking in social skills. Maybe I am ultimately terribly, maddeningly shy at heart, and can't quite find a way to show my true face. Maybe I have somehow found nirvana, and lack for nothing.

I can only wonder.

I jotted this post down after a long, hard day battling with my inner demons. It's not proofread or well thought through, but it's true to my state of mind tonight, to be taken as is.


jen said...

it's not wrong. in fact, i think it's pretty darn normal.

we all ache for this sometimes.

sognatrice said...

I'm not a mom or wife yet (although I am convivendo as they say), but on the ones that apply to me, I can say, wholeheartedly, yes--I feel/do all those things. And I have no doubt that if/when I'm a wife and mom, I'll feel/do the rest of those things too.

Maybe not everyone is like that, but then what fun would it be if we were all alike anyway? That said, those of us on the same page serve us well to stick together ;)

And the photo? AMAZING!!!!!!!!

Greg said...

I was a single father for several years, and at first felt deeply sad when relieved of my parenting role when my young son was at his mother's. I learned, however, to rejoice in both the times with my son AND those times away from him.

I am now fortunate, in a sense, to have "alone time" built into my schedule as my weekend is Sunday and Monday.

All of this is just to say that I would encourage you to find ways to honor these deep needs in yourself as doing so will benefit your husband and your children.

Jen said...

I think all it means is that you're an introvert. You just need the alone time to recharge your batteries. I can completely relate, even though most people who know me think I'm an extrovert.

They're. wrong.

Thanks for sharing this.

This is from the other Jen, lol... guess I need another moniker

jennifer said...

Looks as if I am in very good company. I thought that was probably the case. I wonder about my negative feelings about this need of mine... probably from some idea I have about how a mother, wife, friend, etc. "should" be.
And the word I was looking for - INTROVERT - thank you! My job is all about looking for words, but sometimes they just escape me!

cathouse teri said...

I like my own company very well. And sometimes I find the business of friendship very tedious. Quite often, in fact.

Some people just need to be alone more than others, that's all.

Rebecca said...

As I get older (and definitely since I've had my kids) I crave quiet time much more than I used to. I actually have almost no desire for social gatherings anymore (so much so that I really have wondered why I've become such a hermit...and have cartainly alienated a couple of people who have invited me out on more than one occasion...and I continually refuse)

I don't want to be 'alone' so much but surrounded by my family - my kids, my husband - with time and space to write and just BE.

And I get sick and tired of cooking too - I think it's normal - there's nothing wrong with your husband helping himself to a sandwich or some cheese on toast sometimes.

Jenn in Holland said...

yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. And were there other questions? Yes to those too.
I think it's normal. At least I hope it's normal, because it's me too.

Carol said...

I so admire your honesty.

No, I don't think you're alone in these feelings.