As life goes on day by day, it's easy for me to forget that only 3 months ago I made such a huge change in my life. It seems to slip by the wayside, this change I made, until one day I wake up so exhausted, so disoriented, that I finally stop and remember to give myself a break. This may be because I've always lived my life in a bit of a dramatic manner, so I don't always give credit where credit is due. But I forget that I am most definitely human. A sensitive, delicate human at that, especially on days like today. I feel about like the wing of a moth today. Translucent and dusty. Fragile and easily broken.
Three months ago I left the home that my husband and I own (I write own purposefully here) in the hands of a tenant. In the last three months I regularly forget that I am a home owner, since I feel like I am just starting out. A newlywed couple with two children trying to navigate first time home buying. I feel I am behind, that I need to catch up and catch up fast. I feel that I am old for all this, and that I should know how to do it better.
I regularly forget that so many years abroad have left me inept for dealing with many aspects of being a parent here, and I am regularly learning how things work. I am new to the nuances of American schools, American healthcare, American expectations. This all makes me incredibly tired.
I am now seemingly the native, and the other members of my family seem to think that I should know how to do everything, know how everything works, and I regularly must remind them that I have been away for fifteen years, and when I left I was single, 24 and childless, and basically could do whatever I wanted to.
Three months ago I got all of my family's most important belongings in 10 suitcases. I enrolled my Italian children in American school. I navigated the green card process for my husband. I managed to get my dog through US customs. I found us two affordable cars. I found a pediatrician. I found health insurance for my family. I set up bank accounts, found a mechanic, a dentist. I found my husband's work contacts, and am acting as his "secretary" for his budding new business. I got us all cell phones and new business cards. I babied all of my own clients and helped them along with our new business relationships, which include an 8 hour time difference. I organized my husband's spur of the moment travel when his father passed away, and the same for myself when my grandfather passed away a couple of days later. I spent long meetings and phone calls with my children's guidance counselors, trying to advocate their placement in gifted classes at school. I found them a barber.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
I'm taking the day off today. I think I deserve it. My wings might break.