Tuesday, February 12, 2008

there once was a girl

There once was a girl who loved being alone. She loved painting, listening to music, watching the wind and listening to the operas in her head. She lived in a little adobe house in new Mexico and had two cats and a flower garden. She had her own wok and her own car. She used to get into that car and drive far out into the New Mexican desert or far up into the New Mexican mountains just because. She would roll the window down and flail her arm in the wind, the radio blaring.

She sometimes felt different, so different that she knew her life would always be a solitary life. She was often complimented on her beauty, but rarely asked on dates. She was often kind to strangers, but at the same time seemed aloof from the rest of the world. She was often admired from afar, and misconstrued from up close.

She may have felt sad at times, but she really believed that none of this quite mattered. She believed in destiny. She felt like she was young and could do anything. She wasn't all that brave, but she also wasn't afraid. She moved ever forward never stopping. She created her own world.

She believed that life was intrinsically good, that hers was intrinsically blessed, and that the rest is what you make of it.

She still believes that today. She often looks around her at her family and life wonders how on earth she wound up so surrounded by others. She wonders how she became the fulcrum of so much responsibility and so much love. She wonder if she is worthy, if she can handle it. She even wonders if she wants to sometimes.

She is alone and dying to be alone at the same time. She is in love and half wanting to run away. She is in the middle, in the scrimmage, and sometimes wishes she were on the sidelines.

But she still knows she is blessed. She just forgets sometimes.


jen said...

oh babe, i know. without the wok, but i so know.

bleeding espresso said...

Every time you write I feel like we have more and more in common. This is beautiful :)

anno said...

Oh, yes, I know this, too. Beautiful.

Beatriz's suitcase contents said...

Life is a beautiful roller-coaster, isn't it? Thrilling, frightening and so much more fun when shared.

Fourier Analyst said...

I told my husband early on that he would have to deal with about 6 different personalities and that they did not always agree. I know so well the dichotomy that you are feeling, the pulling, the crowding of so many conflicting emotions.

But yes, you are blessed, and you should take time to enjoy that. But it doesn't mean that you will stop yearning.

I have, however, learned that longing for something else, something more, something different, is what has led me to where I am now. So there is no reason to stop doing it, just don't overdo it!!

Tandy said...

Hi Jennifer,
I hope you don't mind, but your photos are so breathtakingly beautiful, wide open skies hinting a far-away horizons and dreams to pursue, I use them as background on my PC at work. It's wonderful to get lost in the landscape and forget London for a while...
Hope you are finding your feet in the new job :-)

Res said...

That was a perfect description - thank you for sharing it. It is nice to know I am not alone!

Jenn in Holland said...

She believed that life was intrinsically good, that hers was intrinsically blessed, and that the rest is what you make of it.

Yeah, me too.

And I wonder all the time if I am up for any of it.

Karenkool said...

Beautifully written.


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