Monday, May 19, 2008

how will I find my way out?


There’s something happening in my family. Somehow, suddenly and without warning, my children are grown. They are independent, two creatures that pass in and out of my line of sight in the morning and in the evening. I’ve made a promise to myself to stop whatever I am doing and sit with them on the couch before they go to bed, and if I am lucky I will get a head on my shoulder or a hand in my lap. Then they are gone again.
We raised our children selfishly. They never had a babysitter. They never went to daycare. They rode on my husband’s back in a backpack as he cooked in our former restaurant kitchen. They traveled with us over several continents and explored this new life with us.
I feel like I fell haphazardly into motherhood. And now I’m wondering how I will find my way out.

4 comments:

jen said...

oh babe.

you.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

It's such a hard transition.

FWIW, I just nab every second when C is ready to hang out. We ended up having a three-hour discussion about Buddhism and other organized religions the other night. I wanted to read, but heck... I wasn't going to give up that time.

All of a sudden he wanted to help make dinner last night.

It's moments like that that I treasure these days.

Jennifer said...

You're always a mother! It must be hard though. I don't even want to think about how it will feel when mine are all grown up.

cathouse teri said...

Oddly enough, I didn't experience too many leaps and bounds in that transition. I devoted my time and energy to my children, but also integrated them into the society around us. I loved watching them grow and learn to be on their own. It's one of the most wonderful things, and I encourage all parents to embrace every step of their development as fully as they can.

There was a time, though, when I felt that sudden thrust of reality. My children were all getting on a plane to fly to Utah and visit their Grandmother. They were probably around 8, 11, and 14. I stood there watching the plane take off and thought, "Oh my God! If that plan crashes, I could lose ALL of my children in one fell swoop!" I knew that day that a door closed on a certain part of my life. The part where you get to hold on to your children. That day, I had to learn the intense reality of letting go.