Tuesday, June 3, 2008

my body

The possibility of cancer in my body was nightmarish to me the first few days. Literally. I would lay in bed and think about what it would feel like to have one or both of my breasts removed. I would imagine the scars and the feeling of no longer being top heavy. I imagined my equilibrium shifting and my shoulders hunching forward to hide the void. For someone who has spent the better part of her life searching for and inventing ways to camouflage her breasts, my fear of losing this part of my body was striking. I tried to imagine what it would feel like. And I was scared that I indeed would no longer be me.
As I stood beneath the shower this morning I thought of my body and the life it has carried me through. I often look at my children and steal a caress of their perfect skin and marvel that my body could have produced such perfection. I looked down at my feet, which are strangely attractive considering the feet in the rest of my family, and thought of the places they have trekked and run. The mountains they have climbed and the sidewalks they have pounded. How we mistreat this one true companion in life, we women in particular. How we long for it to be different. To be younger.
What would it feel like if I could love my body the way I love my children? Unconditionally and without refrain? My brief brush with what it would feel like to lose this body made me want to love every aged, scarred, weathered inch of it. As cliche as it may sound, it really is a temple. The only one I'll ever really have.


Jen of A2eatwrite said...

It sounds like you've cared for it well. That's wonderful. Hopefully it will now care for you for decades and decades. ;-)

And yes, it must have been a great minds day, although I've been thinking of this issue since reading both NYC's and Soccer Mom's posts.

Maybe we're all considering this as the summer season approaches and we shed more clothing, etc.

anno said...

Thanks for saying all this -- excellent post.

cathouse teri said...

I highly recommend loving your body like that.

Greg said...

A striking and thoughtful post.