Thursday, March 10, 2011

from the archives - my body

My scars from my surgery last fall are finally starting to fade. I have a small constellation going across my stomach, star shaped tracks that mark the passing of where the surgeons poked and prodded, and where they finally fixed me. I have spent most of my adult life in a one piece bathing suit, but this new set of footprints on my body has inspired my to wear a bikini, showing off my dues paid.
I just reread this post from a few years ago, which is more true today than ever. We must love ourselves. We are all we've got.

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my body


The possibility of cancer in my body was nightmarish to me the first few days. Literally. I would lay in bed and think about what it would feel like to have one or both of my breasts removed. I would imagine the scars and the feeling of no longer being top heavy. I imagined my equilibrium shifting and my shoulders hunching forward to hide the void. For someone who has spent the better part of her life searching for and inventing ways to camouflage her breasts, my fear of losing this part of my body was striking. I tried to imagine what it would feel like. And I was scared that I indeed would no longer be me.

As I stood beneath the shower this morning I thought of my body and the life it has carried me through. I often look at my children and steal a caress of their perfect skin and marvel that my body could have produced such perfection. I looked down at my feet, which are strangely attractive considering the feet in the rest of my family, and thought of the places they have trekked and run. The mountains they have climbed and the sidewalks they have pounded. How we mistreat this one true companion in life, we women in particular. How we long for it to be different. To be younger.

What would it feel like if I could love my body the way I love my children? Unconditionally and without refrain? My brief brush with what it would feel like to lose this body made me want to love every aged, scarred, weathered inch of it. As cliche as it may sound, it really is a temple. The only one I'll ever really have.

1 comment:

Yen-Yen:) said...

I dont know what to say. I feel sorry deep inside of me. Reading this article teard me up.


God Bless you,
Yen-Yen