Tuesday, March 6, 2012

dropping out

on a mountaintop in the Himalayas, no keys in those pockets

Last night I watched a movie, not particularly good. But it was one of those dark dramas set in Europe, which I love and pine for and can't wait to go back to permanently. Funny how life turns around and slaps you in the face every now and then. And funny how things work out exactly as they should. I am now so eternally grateful that we decided not to sell our house in Italy, even though the ensuing poverty these last few years has nearly killed me!

Back to my movie. I am watching this movie and there is a scene of a young woman alone in Berlin. She is a bit dirty from her adventures and from escaping the evil people chasing her across the Continent. Her clothes are worn and her jacket has a hood pulled up over her head. She is walking fast and gracefully, and she has nothing. No purse, no wallet no phone. She is on the run.

At that moment I was so struck by the feeling washing over me, the palpable, intense feeling that I just wanted to be her. The momentary thrill of having nothing and no one. Of total freedom. I have had that experience a few times in my life. No more keys in my pocket. The hiatus of having children and dedicating every breath I take to them has meant that I have had to give that up. Temporarily. I am once again so grateful that I had children while I was still so young!

It won't be long now. Dropping out and being the stranger. Nothing in this whole world like it. Not for me, anyway.

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